God has allowed very hard things to happen to us (notice I didn’t say He caused the hard things), but He has brought us through and blessed us greatly. I wouldn’t change a single thing about how the past years have unfolded. NOT A SINGLE THING. Yes I miss Evelyn, yes not having a left hand is frustrating sometimes, and yes infertility has its own special sting, but all of these things make me me. If Evelyn had lived she would have been a blessing to say the least, loved beyond words. But since she didn’t I got to experience the world of breast milk donation, make lifelong friends through it, grow closer to my husband, family, and God, and gained a scar on my heart that matches thousands of other women’s hearts. I can rejoice with those women that our babies are with their King, and cry with them when we need to. It’s a part of this world that shouldn’t exist, but I’m proud to know the women who exist in it and make it through life anyway.
Losing my left hand seems like small potatoes. Frankly, I’m glad it’s gone. I think I would have been a vain, impatient, wretch with it. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Infertility totally sucks! It puts a marriage to the test like no other. It make you question what it is to be a woman. It bleeds you dry financially and emotionally. If you let it. Oh man does it have a purpose though! All I have to do is look at my daughter and I could fall on my face in sheer gratitude for infertility. And again, I do believe I would be a vain, self-reliant wretch of a pregnant woman right now if I didn’t understand the unbelievable miracle that had to occur to get me pregnant a second time.
Yes, yes, yes, my thirties will contain hard and trying life challenges. I am still human. But come what may, my God is BIG. Bigger than loss, bigger than pain, bigger than death. And He will not leave me no matter how wretched I am.
|Celebrating at my 30th birthday party with family.|
|Disneyland for mom’s birthday!|